Dancing with Relationships – Melinda’s Friday Message

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Welcome to another of my guide Melinda’s Friday messages about how to live life. If you’d like to know more about her and what she has to say you can find more in the first post in this series.

Dear Melinda
I’m trying really freaking hard to hold my relationships loosely, but right now, they’re dropping like flies.  It’s really hard not to freak out and revert to old patterns.
How can I get over my fears of being left behind and keep moving forward?
Thank you,

Marseille - the Fool

All of these questions bout relating to others speak of the Fool. Do not forget that you are complete and whole in and of yourself just as the Fool carries everything he needs with him.

I see that people often hold themselves back because they are afraid of ending up alone or being seen as this or that way. You will end up feeling alone regardless if you are surrounded by relationships you do not like. More to the point you will be lonely even if you are in a crowd of your friends.

Relationships are difficult.

First, you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not a given relationship is worth keeping. Start with that. Even if you have known someone for decades it might not be worth continuing.

Relationships require that we lean into them. They must be able to support our weight in order to thrive. If we are always pulling back or not being fully present or ourselves with someone we will never find what we need from others. If the other person is always pulling back then we fall and our hearts get hurt. Of course over the arc of time this leaning might be a dance between two hearts. As circumstance and attention shift back and forth there is movement within any relationship. A balance of how much weight a relationship can support will be found. Sometimes that balance is nothing and things end.

Today people make more of relationships than I did in my life. I rarely ended a friendship and when I did there was often no possibility of closure. I think that people expect more of their connections now and are more dramatic about them. In my life if I did not see someone for a while it did not generally mean anything. If I needed space I just took it. No one was checking to see if I had ‘unfriended’ them. When I found a relationship was not going well I mentioned it. Then either it changed, I accepted it, I took space, or we drifted apart.

You ask specifically about being left behind but in many ways that is just your old patterns talking. It carries an implication that you are being left out of something good. If you are struggling with a relationship and it ends you are not being left behind. You are free to create or find what you really wanted from that other situation but with someone who can provide it to you.

Ask yourself what you truly need from another person. Some suggestions are:
• Attention?
• Sex?
• Romance?
• Company?
• Laughter?
What do you actually need? Then look for the person who you can have that with.

I hope this answers your question. Please know that many people struggle with this.
Thanks for listening.

If you would like to get a reading with Andrew and Melinda to help you clarify the tangles of your life book here. Reading are available in person in Toronto or via Skype or phone around the world.

The Hermit’s Lamp is the blog of Andrew McGregor – Toronto Tarot reader, artist and teacher. The Hermit’s Lamp is also a storefront in Toronto selling metaphysical and spiritual supplies. Please visit The Hermit’s Lamp website for more information on readings and classes both online and in Toronto. You can also check out his podcast here.


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“Friends” image by Stu Seeger used under Creative Commons License.

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